Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
sarcasm needs its own font
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
