Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
