I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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