We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my being single is dangerous.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
