I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
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I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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