Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it