so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower