The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night