I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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