We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
