I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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