i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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