oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
