Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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