he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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