my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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