he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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