peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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