just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
