I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
