Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
