woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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