Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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