well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
