You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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