i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
