Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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