Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
