Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
