There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
