I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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