you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
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Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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