the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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