Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
