he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am naked and annoyed.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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