You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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