I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
