The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
