Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
