just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
