ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
