so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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