I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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