my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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