Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
