my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
