I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
