she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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