I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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