we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Who died my cat blue again?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
