There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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