I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
