oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
