i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
