Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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