My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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