Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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