I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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