you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize