Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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