i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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